"It could always be worse" doesn't help.

I'm not happy.

Nothing in my life is going right.
I still haven't received my money from my dad. If I don't have it tomorrow, then I'm fucked. I really don't want to get Beka evicted. I would be the biggest asshole in the world. I would also have to move to Surprise. Which would mean I would NOT be able to take the job at Goodwill (who still hasn't let me know when I'm training). It would also mean I would have to stop going to Mesa, which would be horrible because the Ross/Evans family is one of my bigger crutches right now.

Sean can't get a new place until he's off this lease. Which is awful for me, because that means breaking our lease entirely. Which means I wouldn't be able to stay here, even if I do have my rent money tomorrow which means I'd have to move to Surprise etc.

I don't know what to do. Even once I have rent this month squared away, IF I get rent this month squared away, I still won't get paid in time to pay rent next month. Hopefully, being that I have a job and know I can make good on loans, my mom will be able to help me with that, but if this summer has taught me anything, it's that I can't bank on much. I thought the stress was over, but it had only just abated. I just want to be done with this mess. I want all of the bullshit in my life to go away. I want to go to sleep tonight, and wake up in the future, with all the bullshit behind me. Married and careered and mothered and happy. That out of the question, I want to be able to afford to eat.

My sister had an episode a few nights ago. She was going to drown herself in the tub, but called me instead. This is a disaster because now I have to add her concerns to mine, which just makes for a mess too big to clean up. I don't mean that my sister made a mess, not at all. I only mean that my concern for her is greater than my concern for myself which adds a great deal more stress.

My fucked up man situation is of course not helping anything. It's so incredibly hard to love someone you don't get along with. How does a couple overcome that?? I don't want to end it, and I don't want to fight anymore, and every day I feel more like those two options are mutually exclusive. There's no room on my plate for this heaping helping of heartbreak I experience daily. I am at such an incredible loss as to what to do.

I had a scare this week. I thought I had tetanus. I felt like I was dying rapidly and horrifically, and I mean that with zero hyperbole. Forming a fist was excruciating, let alone moving my arms and legs, and every joint and muscle in my body. It lasted for about three or four days, before the pain subsided.

I always feel, when I get into these bitching kicks, that my problems are insignificant compared to everyone else's. My sister considered suicide. Maureen Long recently miscarried. The real world is a lot more fucked up than my world. But I can't help but be exhausted with my financial concerns.

What it comes down to is my being lost inside myself and not knowing how to get out. I'm not strong enough to handle this, and no one else is able to help me. What does one do when they can't hold themselves up anymore?