I am 19 years old, and could not have had better.
On the 13, I went to Mesa. Paul and I had cupcakes and went to Asian Cafe Express and a really fun time. Rio gave me lots of birthday licks and cuddles. He is totally the nicest guy I've ever met, as well as being a giant dork. Obviously why we get along so well.
On my birthday, I got lots and lots of texts, phone calls, facebook messages and comments, and just really felt the love. Sean came over and brought me cheesecake because he knows I don't like cake. I won't mention that he also brought cake, because he couldn't actually remember if I didn't like it. Whoops. =P He took me out to Chipotle and gave me a Jersey Shore poster, and apparently I have some other really great gifts coming in the mail. Thank you SO much, Sean. =) Then I went to my grandma's and she gave me a giant birthday cookie, because she knows I don't like cake too. I love her so much. I have the greatest Gaga in the world.
Followed by Mandi and her family who made me fries tres queso dos fritos, aka potastrophe, aka Jessica's Special Potato. It was de-li-cious, if a total pain in the ass to make. Then Mandi and I met Lisa back at my apartment and she gave me X-Men: 198 which was totally awesome and epic and came with a Mutant Database of the known remaining 198 mutants and the threat they pose to O*N*E.
To end the night, Mandi and I went back to her place and caught the end of Serendipity, taking us into midnight. Then we watched Pineapple Express which was EFFING HILARIOUS. Went home, went to sleep, birthday VERY well spent. Still a couple more birthday related gifts and festivities to be had with those that I wasn't able to see, which I greatly look forward to.
Today I started my job at Goodwill. Had a fun day, everything went really well. We did a walk of the training store, learned a lot about the company and about the job. Tomorrow, we're going to be doing hands on work for our particular positions, and next week I start full time. I am so excited. More to come on that.
Thursday, September 16, 2010
Sunday, September 12, 2010
Silver Linings
I am so blessed with a great support system. My friends and family can do so much magic to make me feel better. Thank God for all of them.
I got my rent paid and taken care of. That was an incredible load off. I set into an early panic when the mail was late arriving, and ended up frustrating some people, but everything turned out okay. That seems to be the way my life goes. A whole lot of panic, and everything going okay. At least it could be worse.
It's almost my birthday, and that's going to really help. Birthday money is going to be useful to put towards the money I don't have for bills so I won't have to ask to borrow as much. I start work on Thursday, so I should be getting myself caught up in October. I can't wait to be able to REALLY take care of myself. I never want to be helpless again. Thank God for the people in my life who keep me afloat through their support.
Mandi, Mom, Sean, Gaga, Sister, Paul, Beka, Becca and everyone else who's contributed to my sanity and happiness through hugs, money, love, or just an ear. You guys are great.
I can look forward to getting back on my own two feet, spending tomorrow in Mesa with all my beautiful Mesa friends, whatever it is that happens on my birthday (yea, I STILL don't have plans), going to Arizona Broadway Theater with my parents, and whatever else happens that will add to my happiness.
I love days when I can truly make myself believe that everything is going to be okay.
I got my rent paid and taken care of. That was an incredible load off. I set into an early panic when the mail was late arriving, and ended up frustrating some people, but everything turned out okay. That seems to be the way my life goes. A whole lot of panic, and everything going okay. At least it could be worse.
It's almost my birthday, and that's going to really help. Birthday money is going to be useful to put towards the money I don't have for bills so I won't have to ask to borrow as much. I start work on Thursday, so I should be getting myself caught up in October. I can't wait to be able to REALLY take care of myself. I never want to be helpless again. Thank God for the people in my life who keep me afloat through their support.
Mandi, Mom, Sean, Gaga, Sister, Paul, Beka, Becca and everyone else who's contributed to my sanity and happiness through hugs, money, love, or just an ear. You guys are great.
I can look forward to getting back on my own two feet, spending tomorrow in Mesa with all my beautiful Mesa friends, whatever it is that happens on my birthday (yea, I STILL don't have plans), going to Arizona Broadway Theater with my parents, and whatever else happens that will add to my happiness.
I love days when I can truly make myself believe that everything is going to be okay.
Thursday, September 9, 2010
"It could always be worse" doesn't help.
I'm not happy.
Nothing in my life is going right.
I still haven't received my money from my dad. If I don't have it tomorrow, then I'm fucked. I really don't want to get Beka evicted. I would be the biggest asshole in the world. I would also have to move to Surprise. Which would mean I would NOT be able to take the job at Goodwill (who still hasn't let me know when I'm training). It would also mean I would have to stop going to Mesa, which would be horrible because the Ross/Evans family is one of my bigger crutches right now.
Sean can't get a new place until he's off this lease. Which is awful for me, because that means breaking our lease entirely. Which means I wouldn't be able to stay here, even if I do have my rent money tomorrow which means I'd have to move to Surprise etc.
I don't know what to do. Even once I have rent this month squared away, IF I get rent this month squared away, I still won't get paid in time to pay rent next month. Hopefully, being that I have a job and know I can make good on loans, my mom will be able to help me with that, but if this summer has taught me anything, it's that I can't bank on much. I thought the stress was over, but it had only just abated. I just want to be done with this mess. I want all of the bullshit in my life to go away. I want to go to sleep tonight, and wake up in the future, with all the bullshit behind me. Married and careered and mothered and happy. That out of the question, I want to be able to afford to eat.
My sister had an episode a few nights ago. She was going to drown herself in the tub, but called me instead. This is a disaster because now I have to add her concerns to mine, which just makes for a mess too big to clean up. I don't mean that my sister made a mess, not at all. I only mean that my concern for her is greater than my concern for myself which adds a great deal more stress.
My fucked up man situation is of course not helping anything. It's so incredibly hard to love someone you don't get along with. How does a couple overcome that?? I don't want to end it, and I don't want to fight anymore, and every day I feel more like those two options are mutually exclusive. There's no room on my plate for this heaping helping of heartbreak I experience daily. I am at such an incredible loss as to what to do.
I had a scare this week. I thought I had tetanus. I felt like I was dying rapidly and horrifically, and I mean that with zero hyperbole. Forming a fist was excruciating, let alone moving my arms and legs, and every joint and muscle in my body. It lasted for about three or four days, before the pain subsided.
I always feel, when I get into these bitching kicks, that my problems are insignificant compared to everyone else's. My sister considered suicide. Maureen Long recently miscarried. The real world is a lot more fucked up than my world. But I can't help but be exhausted with my financial concerns.
What it comes down to is my being lost inside myself and not knowing how to get out. I'm not strong enough to handle this, and no one else is able to help me. What does one do when they can't hold themselves up anymore?
Nothing in my life is going right.
I still haven't received my money from my dad. If I don't have it tomorrow, then I'm fucked. I really don't want to get Beka evicted. I would be the biggest asshole in the world. I would also have to move to Surprise. Which would mean I would NOT be able to take the job at Goodwill (who still hasn't let me know when I'm training). It would also mean I would have to stop going to Mesa, which would be horrible because the Ross/Evans family is one of my bigger crutches right now.
Sean can't get a new place until he's off this lease. Which is awful for me, because that means breaking our lease entirely. Which means I wouldn't be able to stay here, even if I do have my rent money tomorrow which means I'd have to move to Surprise etc.
I don't know what to do. Even once I have rent this month squared away, IF I get rent this month squared away, I still won't get paid in time to pay rent next month. Hopefully, being that I have a job and know I can make good on loans, my mom will be able to help me with that, but if this summer has taught me anything, it's that I can't bank on much. I thought the stress was over, but it had only just abated. I just want to be done with this mess. I want all of the bullshit in my life to go away. I want to go to sleep tonight, and wake up in the future, with all the bullshit behind me. Married and careered and mothered and happy. That out of the question, I want to be able to afford to eat.
My sister had an episode a few nights ago. She was going to drown herself in the tub, but called me instead. This is a disaster because now I have to add her concerns to mine, which just makes for a mess too big to clean up. I don't mean that my sister made a mess, not at all. I only mean that my concern for her is greater than my concern for myself which adds a great deal more stress.
My fucked up man situation is of course not helping anything. It's so incredibly hard to love someone you don't get along with. How does a couple overcome that?? I don't want to end it, and I don't want to fight anymore, and every day I feel more like those two options are mutually exclusive. There's no room on my plate for this heaping helping of heartbreak I experience daily. I am at such an incredible loss as to what to do.
I had a scare this week. I thought I had tetanus. I felt like I was dying rapidly and horrifically, and I mean that with zero hyperbole. Forming a fist was excruciating, let alone moving my arms and legs, and every joint and muscle in my body. It lasted for about three or four days, before the pain subsided.
I always feel, when I get into these bitching kicks, that my problems are insignificant compared to everyone else's. My sister considered suicide. Maureen Long recently miscarried. The real world is a lot more fucked up than my world. But I can't help but be exhausted with my financial concerns.
What it comes down to is my being lost inside myself and not knowing how to get out. I'm not strong enough to handle this, and no one else is able to help me. What does one do when they can't hold themselves up anymore?
Friday, September 3, 2010
Damn It Feels Good to be a Gangsta
HAPPY STRESS-FREE DAY!!
Ahh, rent is sorted out, I HAVE A FREAKING JOB, I have all the people I need in my life to love me, and I've commissioned my sister for a custom made Kitty Pryde Halloween costume.
The job thing is obviously the most exciting thing in my life right now. The brilliant thing is, I didn't even have to apply or interview or anything. Lisa was just like "Hey, manager! My friend Jessica is super rad." and manager was like "Hey, Jessica. Want a job? Come meet me on Thursday." and I was like "Hi, I'm here for an interview." and he was like "Interview? HELL NAH! Just work for me." So I am now employed FULL-TIME, WITH BENEFITS, and Goodwill. WITH one of my best friends. The world is well on it's way to making sense for me again. I LOVE when that happens.
Having a job means that next month, rent will be taken care of easy peasy, but this month, while I was running around crying about not having any idea what the hell to do, I managed to... not know what the hell to do. I ended up sobbing to my sister, who started crying herself because she's a DORK, and then she called my mom who agreed to call my dad and demand he give me money. This month, I am taken care of, and next month I can begin clawing my way out of this rut. And DAMMIT, I'm gonna do it!!! I'm going to catch up on bills, get out of debt, get back on my feet, and buy my dad the best fucking (probably late) Christmas gift in the whole freaking world.
So tomorrow, I will go in and fill out my paperwork for MY JOB at Goodwill, and hopefully begin working soon after that. For today, I'm just going to relax. There's something I've not been able to do in far too long.
=)
Ahh, rent is sorted out, I HAVE A FREAKING JOB, I have all the people I need in my life to love me, and I've commissioned my sister for a custom made Kitty Pryde Halloween costume.
The job thing is obviously the most exciting thing in my life right now. The brilliant thing is, I didn't even have to apply or interview or anything. Lisa was just like "Hey, manager! My friend Jessica is super rad." and manager was like "Hey, Jessica. Want a job? Come meet me on Thursday." and I was like "Hi, I'm here for an interview." and he was like "Interview? HELL NAH! Just work for me." So I am now employed FULL-TIME, WITH BENEFITS, and Goodwill. WITH one of my best friends. The world is well on it's way to making sense for me again. I LOVE when that happens.
Having a job means that next month, rent will be taken care of easy peasy, but this month, while I was running around crying about not having any idea what the hell to do, I managed to... not know what the hell to do. I ended up sobbing to my sister, who started crying herself because she's a DORK, and then she called my mom who agreed to call my dad and demand he give me money. This month, I am taken care of, and next month I can begin clawing my way out of this rut. And DAMMIT, I'm gonna do it!!! I'm going to catch up on bills, get out of debt, get back on my feet, and buy my dad the best fucking (probably late) Christmas gift in the whole freaking world.
So tomorrow, I will go in and fill out my paperwork for MY JOB at Goodwill, and hopefully begin working soon after that. For today, I'm just going to relax. There's something I've not been able to do in far too long.
=)
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