So Much Can Change

WELL. I really WOULD be keeping up with this blog if I had my own damn computer. Still, four months later, I am without. I need a new hard drive as Franklin has said farewell to this cruel world. Can you blame him?

I have a computer in my home which I am able to access as I please, but since it isn't mine (more on that later) and no one ACTUALLY reads this but me, I don't really bother to take the time out and blog. I'm wondering though if that won't change here coming up. I guess we'll see.

To rundown the most recent events in my life; I quit my job, got a new job, found out it wasn't a job and am now looking for a real job. Pray for me?

I have a new beau, and this time it is very serious. Out of respect for his wish that I not flaunt our relationship to the world, I won't provide a whole lot of details, but I will say that I love him very dearly, as do my friends and family. I absolutely look forward to seeing where this ends up.

Scout has been in heat for about a week now, which is extremely annoying, but apart from that all of the animals are doing wonderful. Snickers knows how to open doors! Tucson is definitely getting enough to eat now thanks to some observations and all is well in this zoo.

My dearest friend Mandi has moved to Tucson, which is quite depressing indeed, but I am lucky enough to have been able to visit her once a week ago and am planning another trip on Tuesday with Dack and Lisa so all of us can go to the Waffle House just like we're supposed to. I miss her when I think about her being gone, but it's not so bad when I think about how she's really not THAT far away. We're gonna make it work out okay, I'm sure.

CHRISTMAS. Oh cheese and rice, Christmas. Dack (my terrific man) bought me a TURN TABLE! Not only that, he bought me a LOT of records and singles including but not limited to Eagles Their Greatest Hits, Rumors, Hysteria, Rhiannon (single), Tom Sawyer (single) and several more. We spent the night of the 24th in a hotel room away from the mess of the real world. It was quite an incredibly evening laying on a big comfy bed with the man of my dreams listening to incredible music on vinyl. On the 25th, we spent the day at Mom's with Gaga and some of Bill's family. Gaga and Mom both got Dack Christmas presents which made me feel completely fantastic. My Christmas '10 was better than any of your Christmases ever in your whole stupid life. True story.

Still (STILL.) in the process of getting up on my own two feet and finding my way in the world, but HEY, I'm young. There's time. Kiss my ass. Just watch, I'm gonna own this shit up and down.

OH! And I have a cousin on the way. =D

I Disbanded the X-Men

Last night, Mandi and I finished Ultimate Alliance and it played a rundown of all the decisions we made through the game and the consequences they would have on the future of the Marvel universe. Because we rescued Jean, letting Kurt fall to his death when Mephisto kidnapped the two (which wasn't even intentional. We wanted Nightcrawler, dammit!), apparently Mystique would eventually raid the Xavier School, putting Charles in a coma that would last for several months before he dies, thus disbanding the X-Men. How sad, right?

In other news, I'm supposedly going to be trained on the registers so I can play cashier from time to time. I was made to watch the jewelry counter and fitting rooms during Sale Saturday and told Michelle what a great time I had getting to have the chance to interact with the customers, and she and Matt said I could get cross-trained. Glad to be moving up in the world. Apart from that, work still sucks, and I have nothing more on the subject to cover.

Or any other subject, for that matter. My life is just the same as it's always been. I work, sleep, and suffer in silence, or not-so-silence. I guess I will just continue to do that.

Who even knows anymore?

Last night was election night. As in love with Arizona as I am, I can't say I am nearly as fond of Arizona's voters or politicians. My personal victories include WESD bond measure and budget override, Ken Bennett for SoS, the passing of the Health Care Service, and Preferential Treatment Prohibition initiatives, and the failing of the Hunting and Fishing, and (hopefully) the Medical Marijuana initiatives. The latter is still literally neck and neck and we're all just waiting to see it called. That's my understanding, based on my frequent Google Newsing of the proposition. I could go on and on lamenting about Tom Horne, Ben Quayle, John Huppenthal et al.'s victories, but I just won't.

Still computerless, and also now PPless so that's going to be the way it is for a while now. Such is my life.

My financial pickle seems to be improving. I'm catching up very well on my money management, being able to this month pay off most of my debts to Sean, my mom, Scott etc. and next month hopefully not having any more personal debts and can focus on paying off my credit card. I also discovered today that I'm now able to access my Direct Deposit Advance, so if it does come to me needing money again, which it won't because I'm going to start being RESPONSIBLE, I can use that instead of breaking the people around me. Which is a good thing. Though my ACTUAL goal is to build a savings so I can step away from needing to borrow money anymore. Commence Grown Up Jessi.

Also, this month I will be attempting NaNoWriMo. Though, without a computer I doubt I'll get far enough to care. But Mandi wants me to, so I'll do my best. Whatever that is.

I'm not really sure what more than is to write to catch back up with my life. Doesn't matter, I suppose since I have no readers. I think I might put a link to my blog on my facebook so anyone who WANTS to read it, can. Or not. Up to them.

Now back to listening to Julia Nunes.

I Can't Be Blamed

It's been more than a month since I last blogged. Meaning it's been more than a month since my hard drive crashed and I became without computer. I relinquish all blame for my not keeping up with this blog. Really. It's not my fault.

I don't really know what there is to be said to catch up on the last month of my life. I've been going through the grind of my bullshit job and just trying to make the best of it. Every day gets a little bit easier. I've been spending most of my free time with Mandi as always because she is my life force. I've been keeping contact with my sister and my mom and my grandma too keep my life grounded and keep the depression away.

Unfortunately, I encountered a dramatic point in my life. I suffered my first loss. My Papaw, Roger David Griffith passed away on Oct. 1 at the age of 65. Thank God for my manager Matt for allowing me a week off work to go to Ohio for the funeral. It was a beautiful service, very fitting to honor such an amazing man. The family made the best of having us all back in Ohio and it was wonderful to see them all and honor the memory of my Papaw. He was dearly loved through his life and will be missed by many. It's made me think of a lot of different parts of my life and I've made some resolutions. It was very hard coming to terms with this loss, but now I know that he's with me always. I love you so much, Papaw.

Hopefully Paul will be able to help me get my computer back up before long and I'll be able to resume frequent blogging. Until then, I might occasionally be able to update from Mandi's house as I am now. Not that anyone but her even reads this. =)

Very Happy Birthday from the Working Girl

I am 19 years old, and could not have had better.

On the 13, I went to Mesa. Paul and I had cupcakes and went to Asian Cafe Express and a really fun time. Rio gave me lots of birthday licks and cuddles. He is totally the nicest guy I've ever met, as well as being a giant dork. Obviously why we get along so well.

On my birthday, I got lots and lots of texts, phone calls, facebook messages and comments, and just really felt the love. Sean came over and brought me cheesecake because he knows I don't like cake. I won't mention that he also brought cake, because he couldn't actually remember if I didn't like it. Whoops. =P He took me out to Chipotle and gave me a Jersey Shore poster, and apparently I have some other really great gifts coming in the mail. Thank you SO much, Sean. =) Then I went to my grandma's and she gave me a giant birthday cookie, because she knows I don't like cake too. I love her so much. I have the greatest Gaga in the world.

Followed by Mandi and her family who made me fries tres queso dos fritos, aka potastrophe, aka Jessica's Special Potato. It was de-li-cious, if a total pain in the ass to make. Then Mandi and I met Lisa back at my apartment and she gave me X-Men: 198 which was totally awesome and epic and came with a Mutant Database of the known remaining 198 mutants and the threat they pose to O*N*E.

To end the night, Mandi and I went back to her place and caught the end of Serendipity, taking us into midnight. Then we watched Pineapple Express which was EFFING HILARIOUS. Went home, went to sleep, birthday VERY well spent. Still a couple more birthday related gifts and festivities to be had with those that I wasn't able to see, which I greatly look forward to.

Today I started my job at Goodwill. Had a fun day, everything went really well. We did a walk of the training store, learned a lot about the company and about the job. Tomorrow, we're going to be doing hands on work for our particular positions, and next week I start full time. I am so excited. More to come on that.

Silver Linings

I am so blessed with a great support system. My friends and family can do so much magic to make me feel better. Thank God for all of them.

I got my rent paid and taken care of. That was an incredible load off. I set into an early panic when the mail was late arriving, and ended up frustrating some people, but everything turned out okay. That seems to be the way my life goes. A whole lot of panic, and everything going okay. At least it could be worse.

It's almost my birthday, and that's going to really help. Birthday money is going to be useful to put towards the money I don't have for bills so I won't have to ask to borrow as much. I start work on Thursday, so I should be getting myself caught up in October. I can't wait to be able to REALLY take care of myself. I never want to be helpless again. Thank God for the people in my life who keep me afloat through their support.

Mandi, Mom, Sean, Gaga, Sister, Paul, Beka, Becca and everyone else who's contributed to my sanity and happiness through hugs, money, love, or just an ear. You guys are great.

I can look forward to getting back on my own two feet, spending tomorrow in Mesa with all my beautiful Mesa friends, whatever it is that happens on my birthday (yea, I STILL don't have plans), going to Arizona Broadway Theater with my parents, and whatever else happens that will add to my happiness.

I love days when I can truly make myself believe that everything is going to be okay.

"It could always be worse" doesn't help.

I'm not happy.

Nothing in my life is going right.
I still haven't received my money from my dad. If I don't have it tomorrow, then I'm fucked. I really don't want to get Beka evicted. I would be the biggest asshole in the world. I would also have to move to Surprise. Which would mean I would NOT be able to take the job at Goodwill (who still hasn't let me know when I'm training). It would also mean I would have to stop going to Mesa, which would be horrible because the Ross/Evans family is one of my bigger crutches right now.

Sean can't get a new place until he's off this lease. Which is awful for me, because that means breaking our lease entirely. Which means I wouldn't be able to stay here, even if I do have my rent money tomorrow which means I'd have to move to Surprise etc.

I don't know what to do. Even once I have rent this month squared away, IF I get rent this month squared away, I still won't get paid in time to pay rent next month. Hopefully, being that I have a job and know I can make good on loans, my mom will be able to help me with that, but if this summer has taught me anything, it's that I can't bank on much. I thought the stress was over, but it had only just abated. I just want to be done with this mess. I want all of the bullshit in my life to go away. I want to go to sleep tonight, and wake up in the future, with all the bullshit behind me. Married and careered and mothered and happy. That out of the question, I want to be able to afford to eat.

My sister had an episode a few nights ago. She was going to drown herself in the tub, but called me instead. This is a disaster because now I have to add her concerns to mine, which just makes for a mess too big to clean up. I don't mean that my sister made a mess, not at all. I only mean that my concern for her is greater than my concern for myself which adds a great deal more stress.

My fucked up man situation is of course not helping anything. It's so incredibly hard to love someone you don't get along with. How does a couple overcome that?? I don't want to end it, and I don't want to fight anymore, and every day I feel more like those two options are mutually exclusive. There's no room on my plate for this heaping helping of heartbreak I experience daily. I am at such an incredible loss as to what to do.

I had a scare this week. I thought I had tetanus. I felt like I was dying rapidly and horrifically, and I mean that with zero hyperbole. Forming a fist was excruciating, let alone moving my arms and legs, and every joint and muscle in my body. It lasted for about three or four days, before the pain subsided.

I always feel, when I get into these bitching kicks, that my problems are insignificant compared to everyone else's. My sister considered suicide. Maureen Long recently miscarried. The real world is a lot more fucked up than my world. But I can't help but be exhausted with my financial concerns.

What it comes down to is my being lost inside myself and not knowing how to get out. I'm not strong enough to handle this, and no one else is able to help me. What does one do when they can't hold themselves up anymore?